F*ck-boys and Where to Find Them.

Short answer: online ‘dating’ a.k.a Tinder.

I have to admit, I’ve had my fair share of tinder dates, the majority of which I never go back for a second date. Tinder is a strange thing (I am not quite sure what to label it; it is a place, a platform, an internet club?). Many of us are guilty of it (I don’t mean to say that having a tinder profile is something to be ashamed of but there is no denying that it comes with a certain discomfort; imagine having to tell your parents that you met your partner on tinder). There is a taboo to it. I don’t think it is necessarily because of the app itself but because it takes this concept of ‘dating’ (ultimately resulting in love and commitment) and turns it into something you can swipe, match or un-match without even having to bat your eyes. Bottom line is, tinder is quick and easy. And as the saying goes: easy come, easy go.

About a month ago, I saw a video on Facebook by a motivational speaker who was talking about the impatience of our generation. We can get almost anything online these days. We don’t even have to leave our beds. There is an app for almost everything and anything, even a person to call a ‘date’. We want a date, we swipe on tinder. Then the speaker brought up at point that hit me hard. Most of us (I hope) desire love and commitment, but there is no app for that. You cannot demand love and commitment, right here and right now. The only thing that brings those two things about is time.

Which brings me back to the point that tinder is easy. It is quick and easy to get a date (especially if you are a girl). Tinder requires no commitment (it doesn’t even post to your Facebook page). A rejection on there is not really a rejection. You can say whatever you want and there are no consequences. The perfect place and combination for f*ck-boys to roam.

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Of course tinder is not all bad. Nothing is ever good or bad. And yes, a person you meet on tinder is no less of a person just because you’ve met them on tinder (even though some people tend to forget that). I have had quite memorable times and meaningful conversations with guys I’ve met on there. Something quite serious even at one point. But how can anyone take tinder seriously? You can take it seriously but when you’re crying over your tinder-guy and friends are consoling you, they’ll still have it in the back of their minds: ‘what did you expect, it’s tinder?’ So if you’re looking for a meaningful and fulfilling relationship that will last a lifetime, I recommend that you delete that devilish app once and for all.

I know that is much to ask. A girl once said, tinder is like crack. Who doesn’t like having numbers (matches) to add to their self-esteem. We all like to be liked. Until we like, genuinely like someone and they break our heart. We swear off online dating, delete the app(s), mope around the house for a while and become okay again. Yet we never learn. A few months (or even weeks down the line) that red flame is back on our screens. When I say get rid of it, I really mean, get. rid. of. it. Enough is enough. Don’t learn the hard way (or maybe you have to) to realise that you’re more likely to find the love of your life walking down the road then swiping all night on tinder.

I don’t think there’s a definite definition for a f*ck-boy. A f*ck-boy will be defined differently to everyone depending on their experiences. But I dare say, a f*ck-boy doesn’t do just that, worse is, he f*cks with your feelings and that’s not okay. And they’re called  ‘boy’ for a reason, because often they are not man enough to owe up to their actions. He will not give you a reason to why he decided to ghost you the day after he’d asked you how many dogs you wanted the night before. If he were a man, he’d be off tinder and finding you in real life. Tinder is not real life. It is a game (harsh as it is). Perhaps not to you but (9/10 times) to him. Stop playing the game. Stop looking for love because love isn’t a match. It isn’t an algorithm of some app on your smartphone, calculated by how far they live from you. Go out and see the world, the love of your life may be further than 10miles.

And if you’re still sad about that f*ck-boy, I’d say: f*ck him (and no, not literally).

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Fat is a feeling.

I feel I am a pretty open person. I am comfortable in talking about things that bother me with my close friends and family, however one thing which I like to avoid is the subject of my weight. Apart from the occasional personal complaint that I am ‘fat’, I like to sweep the weight-issue under the rug, and if anyone else were to bring it up then I get very uncomfortable and often offended. I know I am by no means ‘fat’ in the clinical sense. However I am ‘fat’ in my mind, which translates to me that I weigh more than I wish to.

I know it is a touchy subject to a lot of people; it is a touchy subject in general. Nevertheless I am not going to sugarcoat my opinions on this matter (and they are just that, my opinion and you are free to have a different opinion from me). One thing I do believe is that if one is happy with their weight and is comfortable in their body, then there is nothing wrong with being whatever size they are. Like they say: you do you. I am writing from the perspective of a person whose aspiration is to have the body that most magazines portray, or what is shown in the media as the ‘ideal body’.

Unlike many articles on weight, I am not going to blame the media for portraying an unrealistic body-image as I believe it is achievable if one has the determination to achieve it (not the photoshop images of course). Celebrities are just people with normal bodies too. We all know how to lose weight and be in shape, there is no secret: move and eat right. I consider my aspiration to be ‘unrealistically’ thin as self-care, it is a self-indulgence and pampering that I do for me. I enjoy watching what I eat and knowing how much I weigh. I feel more confident in myself and enjoy being able to buy clothes online and knowing it will fit. The issue is, I feel in today’s society this attitude is frown upon because it is considered an ‘unachievable’ goal and is shaming other body types. Still, I am not ashamed of it, and why should I be if we all preach that that one’s ideal body is the one we’re happy in? If I am not entirely happy with my current body right now, then I have the right to change it.

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What the media tells us is a contradiction anyway. There are tumblr. posts that tell us to embrace ourselves (never change) and magazine articles with the latest fad diet and elsewhere on Instagram, an ad for detox-tea. And not to mention pop-songs and celebrities attacking each other because one weighs more/less. The media may be telling us what to wear and how to look but you do not have to follow it. The point is, how you look and want to look is always your choice. Consider my weight a form of self-expression, like dressing a certain way or how I style my hair. Some may say that the fact that I aspire to be thin is influenced by the media and it may be so but I am saying it is my choice and I embrace it; I am content with not being content with my body right now.

Fat is a feeling because at the end of the day, it is just a word. When I say: ‘I feel fat’ I am not saying anyone else who weighs more than me is fat. Just like one may call an attractive person hot/cute/fit, the word one uses to describe their subjectivity is subjective and personal to that person. Perhaps I should be more careful with my words, but ‘fat’ to me is just a word I use to express dissatisfaction in my own appearance and it is my own feeling.

[Please do not confuse and mix this with eating disorders, which I am by no means disregarding. There is a certain point that controlling what you eat gets out of hand and one should seek help. This post is just on the scrutinization of people wanting to look a certain way and other people disapproving of it.]

Things I Wear in the Shower.

The title is a little misleading (another idea I had was, ‘Things I Wear in Bed’) but click-bait, right? This post is actually about jewellery. It’s inspired by Marzia’s post, which I came across a few weeks ago, where she writes about the jewellery she never takes off and their significance.

I’ve never been a big fan of jewellery until very recently. I suppose it is an age thing. I never understood the point of having a bunch of jewellery which are just an inconvenience to take off and put on again, so I never wore any (apart from a few earrings that I’ll discuss later). However I’ve always liked things with meaning, and I’ve realised that jewellery (like a tattoo or a souvenir) can hold a lot of meaning.

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I have four ear piercings. Three on my right earlobe and one on my left earlobe. I remember having to re-do my earrings several times at the beginning of primary school because we always had to take them off during swimming lessons and they never healed properly. So after the third try, I just gave up. I got them redone in the summer of year 8 with my best friend at the time. We each got a piercing on each side and then another piercing above (she got hers on her left ear and I got mine on my right). After we grew apart, I could never bring myself to get more piercings until the summer of last year (2016). I got the third piercing on my right ear. Now I no longer have a half pair earring lying around the house.

The pearl earrings I’ve worn for almost five years now, were given to me by my mum on my fifteenth birthday. I liked (and still like) anything ‘retro’ looking, and I think pearls are timeless and add a classic touch to anything. The only time I take these off is during Christmas when I wear some fancy Christmas earrings that a close friend has given me a few years ago (it’s been a tradition to wear them every year since).

The ‘diamond’ earrings which are above the pearl were also a gift from my mum. It is funny because I remember saying to her and my dad when I was younger how I’d rather wear flowers in my hair than diamonds on my neck (it was something I’d seen on tumblr. and I thought it so-cool during the time). However during a special dinner occasion in summer last year, I told her how much I’ve been wanting diamond earrings and whether I could have them for my birthday. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I got very sick the following month. After I got out of the hospital, she came home with a pair of the cutest earrings.

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I always wear a watch when I am out. My current watch I’ve had for just over three years. It is a small, simple black Swatch with roman numerals. Nevertheless I don’t wear that at home all the time. What I keep on all the time are two bracelets, which I’ve bought for myself at the beginning of this year. Both are from Etsy. They are both very tiny, I am a big fan of dainty jewellery so I am in love with them.

I was debating whether to get a normal heart-shape one or a heartbeat one. I consulted a friend and we both decided that the heartbeat would be more unique. Additionally, whenever I see a heartbeat symbol it reminds me of Sylvia Plath’s quote: ‘I listened to the to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.’ She is my favourite writer.

The crystal teardrop is a blue topaz, which is December’s birthstone (I was born in mid-December). It is no secret that stones are said to hold special meaning and healing powers. The Blue topaz is said to inspire creativity, stimulate one’s mind, help in making decisions, regulate mood, and aid in sleep along with having other benefits. Whether it really is magical or not is up to you to believe – I’d still say it’s something special nonetheless.

Apart from these jewellery, I like wearing chokers and some necklaces that family/friends have given me as gifts.

And that’s all I wear in the shower for now.

The Importance of Being a Friend.

I owe a lot to my friends. Not in the same sense that I owe a lot to my parents. My friends did not give me ‘life’ or a roof over my head, but often my friends have given me a home to run to when my actual home is far away or I feel there is no home to turn to.

There’s a quote that goes: friends are the family we choose. But often, friends are the ones who choose us. They are the people who choose to stay. Unlike our family who have a ‘obligation’ to stick with us through thick and thin, true friends stay despite having every right to leave.

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My philosophy on why people choose to have children is because they wish to fulfil a desire for a ‘family’. However, is that not a selfish want? The want to want a person in order to fulfil their status or complete their happiness. I’ve once had a conversation with a friend who has a younger sister, he told me how he recalls his parents saying they want a daughter as though a daughter was some sort of commodity. I suppose we can say some ‘friends’ have the same approach to friendship (but then that’s not really friendship). A friend-group to some people is just that: a group of people they call ‘friends’. Since I’ve started university I’ve realised how having friends is a choice (and I don’t mean in the sense that you pick your friends like shopping at a grocery store but in the sense that to make a friend and keep a friend, you must have time for them; you must have time for each other).

In school we do not get to choose our friends. We are thrown into a group of people who we develop a friendship with because we spend a lot of time together, almost all day even. But at university (and I also believe in adult life) we are not stuck to a group of people. Instead we make time to see them outside of our regular schedule, making staying friends not as ‘convenient’ as it used to be.

A friend is not a convenience (as a lot of people may believe). Sure, we go out clubbing with our friends, have sunday lunch, see movies, gossip about the same people we hate, and share our favourite music and tv shows. Friends are meant to be fun but you know when you’ve made a real friend when you can call them at two in the morning or have them hug you and feel loveable even when your lover no longer thinks the same. A friend is someone who understands when you have the occasional day of not wanting to talk to anyone. That’s why I agree, friends are like the family we choose to have.

Of course I believe we are friends with more than just our friends. Our father or mother or boyfriend or girlfriend might be our best friends. But it takes a lot to be just friends with someone. To have affection for them and not need anything in return but their friendship.

Ironically, I ‘owe’ this blog to a friend (even though my Dad has been encouraging me to start a blog for years) who gave me the final push to finally write my first post.

(The use of Taylor Swift’s squad may or may not be ironic).